Disgaea: Rise of the False Savior
by The S Meister
Summary: Lemuria is a frozen wasteland of a netherworld, and within it lives a hot-blooded human with an obsession with bloodhsed, that's just so happened to be named Jesus!


A short while ago, my firend and I started a Disgaea RP of our own design. It is so far fucking awesome, and we decided to adapt the RP into this story. Please not that there is violence, swearing, and sexual themes, so yeah, be fucking adivsed.

Oh, I also do not own Disgaea.

Disgaea: Rise of the Motherfucking Savior

Chapter 1: The First Coming

Lemuria. A frozen, barren netherworld wrought with rampaging demons and damn near pure destruction. With an all-powerful yet lazy as shit Overlord, sections of Lemuria have gone straight to hell, no pun intended. Here we look at one specific section in the Rad Lands, Cumberland, where the Ace Crushers have complete... wait what?

A pile of maimed, disarmed, and some disemboweled members of the Ace Crushers laid in the center of the small town, and on top sat a human boy about 18 years old with short brown hair, golden studs in his ears, and no other viable clothing. This boy's name is Jesus. Nobody knows his last name, neither does he, and he doesn't really care. He just likes to fight. And be naked. And sometimes fight while being naked.

- Jesus's Perspective -

I sighed heavily. "Well, that's the end of my fun for now..." Unless I missed the leader like the last time I killed all his men... and stole his girlfriend... oh was she fun...

"How could you miss me?! I'm the Legendary Dark Hero!"

A man is his early twenties stepped from the rubble that used to be Cumberland, wearing an opened white trench coat with a collar that went a good foot over his head, black jeans tight enough to tell he was circumcised, and completely unidentifiable shoes. His hair was an annoying fluorescent blonde, and... I seriously can't tell whether or not those lightning bolts on his head are his eyebrows or not... but whatever, he looked like he got beaten and violated with the ugly stick, though the guitar he had strapped on him was cool, I'll admit. Certainly better than his last one, least after it was smashed over his head.

"And you may have beaten my new Ace Crushers, but you won't beat me again!" Oh god this guy must love to hear the sound of his own fucking voice. Just to screw with him, I walked down the pile of bodies that use to be his crew rather slowly, putting on a random shirt and some boxers that were lying on the pile.

"Axel, Axel, Axel," I said, hoping that I remembered the right name this time, " Do you really think you can beat me after I pulled that El Kabong on your fruity ass last time?" I smiled insanely, something I call a 'Psyche Out Smirk'. It seemed to do its work, as he visibly flinched. That made me laugh out loud, a loud chuckle that seemed to just piss him off.

"That was last time you human piece of trash, but I'm stronger this time!" To make a point, he flared his power like a cheap Demonball Q villain, telling me EXACTLY how much stronger he'd gotten like the dimwit that he is. Though he did get stronger, he's still nowhere near my level. As i finally landed on the ground, I cracked my knuckles, causing him to grab his guitar as if he's about to play a gig. I immediately regret not moving as he slams a chord, making a large shockwave, blowing away the pile of corpses and sending me back a few feet. The small rocks cut my skin a little as I slid back. I don't remember him knowing how to do that. This might have made it interesting.

"Well well well, I guess you CAN teach a moron some new tricks." I smirked again, his look of surprise completely priceless. "But, it's gonna take a lot more than that. Try some Slayer, see if that works." I start forward again, and he's just standing there in disbelief until I'm only a couple yards away. He reached for his strings again, but I sped forward and kicked him in the side of the head. Ahhh the sweet sound of cracking bone.

Surprisingly, he stayed upright, and slugged me in the stomach. There was actually a little kick to it, and I oversold it by puking a little. Thinking he had the upper hand, he actually stepped back a few steps and played a quick riff, which somehow turned his guitar into a fucking lightsaber, a blade of energy popping out the top. Before he could swing it, i stood back upright and grabbed him by the throat. "Gotcha bitch." I lifted him up off the ground and threw him behind me into a small building. "That all you got, Dark Zero? I've had a better fight from a narcoleptic Demon Cat!"

Well, that certainly seemed to rile him up, because 3 seconds after I said that he was already on me again, yelling not to underestimate him as he threw punch after punch at me, none of which actually made contact with anything important since he was punching the exact same spot, which were my Obsidian hard abs. When he finally stopped, his fingers were busted, his pride was wounded and he was crying bitch tears like the bitch that he was. As much as I wanted to laugh at him, and I _really_ wanted to, I kept a stoic expression, got right in his face, and straight up Pimp slapped him.

"Now, You are going to rethink your life, your choices, and then when you're ready, you will THROW YOURSELF OFF A GODDAMN CLIFF INTO A FULL MISSIONARY POSITION WITH ANOTHER MAN! GOT IT?" With that, bitch tears and all, Axel nodded. Fucker probably didn't even hear what I said seeing as his ears were gushing blood from the impact of the slap. "Good," I said with a normal smile for once, "Now get the fuck OUT!" On the last word, I punted him hard enough in the family jewels (if he had had any beforehand) to send him flying off into the sky, a little twinkle accompanying him like the shitty Anime villains from Monpoké. Honestly surprised he didn't yell 'I'LL BE BAAAAAaaaaack' as he flew off...

Well with that over, I surveyed the carnage that I had made over the last 15 minutes. Houses were destroyed, civilians killed, various objects engulfed in flames... Yeah, not my best work, not my fastest either, but at least I've had my fun. So, I start looking for my clothes, when i realized they got torched fighting that Ace Dragon. Those clothes cost me 5000 hell, but I got a couple spare ensembles at home, and not wanting to be in another person's boxers for the next couple days, I decided to head back.

As I'm leaving the destruction that use to be Cumberland however, I was stopped by what looked like an albino little girl and some green haired weirdo in a cloak. The girl was about 4' 11", ending up about at my waist height, with blood red eyes, and, on second glance, powder blue hair down to about her petite-sized, but mostly just small and flat, ass. She also wore what seemed to be a cross between a black dress and a black greatcoat. The rest of her looked like a typical little girl, aside from the lengthened ears indicating that she was presumably a demon. In other words, the picture perfect anti-jailbait, you do not grow ears that length until you're _at least_ 1300. The other person was about 5'6", with green eyes and matching, but rather short, green hair which incidentally covered her ears. She, at least I was fairly sure it wasn't one of those pretty boy bishounen, wore a knee-length green dress with mid-calf length white pants. For some reason she had a massive cloak worn in just the way so that it only covered her back. Why how blatant this one can get when trying to hide something?

Well, I haven't had some tail in a couple days, I might as well try something. Walking up to them, i decide to use a pickup line I haven't used in a while on the tall one. "Hey pretty lady," i said, pointing to my fist, "I got the F and the CK," pointing to the D on that last one, "All I need now is U." I winked at her, though she just ended up sputtering and looking rather surprised. The little girl, however grew a gigantic grin that made her look as happy as humanly possible and just looked at me which actually managed to unnerve me. I was mildly surprised. Turning my attention back to the susceptible tail, I said "Well how about you and me ditch the kid and go the King Radical's Hotel? Guy owes me a favor for cleaning up Cumberland... to a degree at least, so we should get the penthouse."

I was kickin' up the charm to a new level on this one. Though now the little girl pulled on my shirt kinda hard, saying, "Excuse me mister" in a sickly sweet tone that honestly creeped me the fuck out. However I decided to ignore it and said, "One second short stuff, trying to score here." Then, shit went down. The little girl's face went straight from a giddy childlike wide-eyed smile to a straight up "Satanic Murderess" grin. She nailed me in the stomach with what looked like merely a fucking poke of her finger, sending through three buildings. When I looked back up she was holding something red and... beating...? IS THAT MY FUCKING HEART? I looked down at the gaping hole in my chest and immediately realized that it was. Though another thing i was wondering is how I'm not fucking dead, well aside from the fact that I'm fucking JESUS.

"I would appreciate it if you didn't flirt with my obviously not straight Vassal human." Well, something told me that the little girl wasn't a pushover. She looked familiar, but I couldn't really place... She kinda reminds me of the overlord's picture... although she was probably a love child of some bitch I knocked up... "Now, you're probably wondering why you aren't dead, human, and that's rather simple." For emphasis, she squeezed my heart, making me feel like I was about to pass out from the sheer pain, but I didn't because I'm not a mortal man but Motherfucking Jesus! Completely unaware of my internal monologue she continued on, "For you see, these hands are those which created all in this realm and something like this is trivial."

Wait... All in this realm... Oh shit... She's not my illegitimate love child I had with some random harlot I had fucked with for a night, she's the _fucking_ overlord! She could apparently tell by the shock on my face that I realized who she was, "Oh now you realize who I am. Dumbass human. While I applaud you for beating the everloving shit out of a metric fuck ton of level one demons I still have to... hmm... Punish you for doing so. After all they were my vassals... children... easily forgettable bitches before you genocided them, even if they were going to betray me. Therefore I welcome you to the wonderful world of being my bitch." Well... this could be... interesting... "How does it feel? Are you honored? You should be because your paycheck is huge as shit now."

I was silent for about a minute apparently. I thought about the situation I hopelessly got myself into, and how I was gonna get out of thi- wait did she say paycheck? Well, this could be interesting. "Honestly ma'am," I said, trying not to get wasted again seeing as she was GRIPPING MY STILL BEATING HEART, "I'm not sure whether or not you're trolling me with that answer, but it's not like I have a choice. My life is literally in your hands."

She shrugged, accidentally smearing some of my blood all over her dress-coat thingy, "Your life was always in my hands, just not this literally." The smirk she had on while she said made me wanna punch her. But I knew I'd be dead before I could even cock my fist back. The best I could was glare at her while she took pride in that fact. "Now, What was your name, huma- I mean, my bitch?"

Was she serious? I killed how many of her vassals, fucked up random villiagers when I'm bored, and ravaged multiple women all over this literal Hell, and she doesn't even KNOW MY NAME? I just shook my head, put on a smirk, and said simply, "Jesus. The Son of God, and the guy that will eventually kick everyone's ass."

"...Am I supposed to be intimidated? God has been dead for a long time kiddie. Picked a fight with the wrong demon and ended up fighting just about every big badass there was in all the netherworlds. I believe it was Tyrant Valvatorez who dealt the final blow." She shrugged, "If you had said, Son of Baal I'd be somewhat worried."

"You say that like I ever knew or gave a shit about my dad." I looked at her again, a serious look on my face. "The only thing I want to do is fight. Simple as that. Let me do that, and I'm content. Well, fight, and have sex, but I'll worry about that later."

"...Because the closest thing to a 'god' around here is me." she calmly said, "I mean I did create an entire plane of existence and everything that lived in it from the ether."

"'Cept for me. I just fell 500 feet into this hellhole one day, survived, and started fucking shit up for no reason other then there's nothing to do aside from that, and I gotta tell ya, if you imagined some of these motherfuckers, then you must have read some Stephen King and Tim Burton bullshit. I mean, those weird flower people with tentacles? Were you watching a bad hentai movie?"

"...The Alraune are not unique to this netherworld, Jesus, they migrated from Nemthura, my brother's netherworld. And it was H.P. Lovecraft actually." She tilted her head, "You're not very smart are you? I didn't say that I created EVERYTHING in Lemuria, only those that were here from the beginning. Migration naturally occurred, such as with you."

"Nope. Not really. And I'm not afraid to admit that. Well, at least book smart. And thanks for clearing that up boss. Now, if you could do something about this?" I stood up, pointing to the still gaping hole in my chest. She just shrugged and opened her mouth, abnormally wide, and swallowed my fucking heart. After a second she just politely burped. Mid burp she snapped her fingers and my entire chest was healed again. My jaw actually dropped at that as she politely wiped the blood from her mouth with a handkerchief provided by the lady with the cloak whom incidentally still looked shocked at my awesome pick-up line. "What. The fuck. Why did you do that why the _fuck_ did you do that? Won't I die now that my heart is going to be FUCKING DIGESTED!"

"Nope! I'm an almighty overlord after all. 3" i could literally see a little fucking heart float away from her mouth. As in _a miniature heart _and not those 2d fake hearts. This chick... is really starting to scare me, and I've fought off 3 giant alraune in heat. I STILL have nightmares about that, but that's beside the point. So, the bitch walks down the pile of rubble that use to be one of the houses that I left standing before she slammed me through them, saying "Now get up and come along, we're going."

I looked at her, kinda confused. "Going where?"

She looks back and smiles a sickeningly sweet smile, even going as far as tilting her head to the side. Finally she ended up simply saying "Home."

-SCENE BREAK!-

Somehow, in all the bitch's infinite wisdom, she had found my hideout on a remote glacial island in the Glaring Seas and had taken my possessions into a room at her castle (or so she says). About an hour after we left, the weirdo in the cloak, who I learned was named Ellis, had apparently brought one of my outfits with her. A pity she still didn't want a go, kinda curious about what's under that cloak. And blouse. And pants. At least i got my swag back. As we walked we reached a snow covered forest, I finally managed to get my jacket on as the wind began to pick up. Then i realized the fact that despite this entire planet being a frozen wasteland, I had never once gotten cold. Then Ellis bent over to make a snowball and my train of thought went a little blurry after that. We eventually ended up in front of a line of what looked like Sequoias planted so close together someone could completely flatten your finger and it wouldn't fit in between. I looked at the Mini-bitch, wondering why we stopped, when her hand started glowing and she started mumbling, "Stupid trees, always closing in front of my gate and shit... Well it's a good thing my gate is made of wrought iron. Mega Fire."

In an instant, the trees were piles of ash in front of a large black, Iron presumably, gate, adorned with statues of what I assume are her conquests, including some short kid with two giant ahoges on the top of his head and a red scarf flowing behind him. Something tells me from the smirk on his face I would have liked that kid. Then I noticed the other three statues that were the exact same thing, only each one looked more and more beat up, though each had that smirk to them. As we walked into the main hall, the atmosphere seemed weirdly... cozy for a demon, cushy chairs, ornate doors, and a fireplace with a picture of a beaten up Aeryn and the twerp from the gate brofisting, which I gotta say kicked major ass.

The twerp told me to follow her, which led me to apparently the Vassal quarters. As Aeryn opened the door, we were greeted by a little angel with red tinted wings, looking in awe at a Healer who I'll admit looked hot, who was apparently giving her "the talk."

Yukari's Perspective

I don't really remember why Orleans-san is talking to me about this, but at least its interesting. "So the hymen is like a block in a girl's privates?"

Orleans-san smiled, "Mhm, that's right Yukari-chan. When a girl's Hymen is 'popped' during sexual intercourse blood is emitted. That's why a woman's hymen is generally considered a proof of Virginity and thus it is generally considered that letting someone 'pop' your hymen is a sign of-" she sighed exaggeratingly, "love."

Awwwww, omnia vincit amo- wait did she say blood?

I put on my cutest smile, and used the cutsiest voice i could, "Cool! ... So... Orleans-tan, you wouldn't happen to be a virgin would you...?"

"Why yes, of course I am, Yukari-chan..." She blinked. Oh, I think she's catching on, "...Why?" I kept my cute face on for a couple more seconds before I jumped her, I want her bloooood!

Back to Jesus

Okay, not sure whether this is crazy or just straight up fucking hilarious. The angel just ripped the panties off the healer chick, and she just keeps yelling "LET ME POP YOUR HYMEN! I WANT THE DELICIOUS BLOOD!" I just look over at Aeryn, and she almost caved the front part of her skull in with a facepalm.

"Why are all my vassals such idiots?"

"Don't ask me, I just got here, remember?" I smirked, while she just bore a hole through my head with her glare.

"It was a rhetorical question dumbass." God it feels good to troll. Even if the person I'm trolling can apparently erase my existence with a snap of the fingers.

Meanwhile the angel was still going crazy, clawing at the Healer (apparently named Orleans), yelling "Gimme your blood Orleans-tan! I NEEEED it!" Okay, this kid is crazier than anything I've seen in this frozen hell. The fact that she's an angel just makes it straight up fuckin' hilarious.

Finally, between fits of laughing, I looked at Aeryn and asked, "Fine I'll bite, what's with the angel with the bloodlust?"

"Fuck if I know," Aeryn sighed deeply and put her hands on her hips. Or I think she did considering how 'curvy' that dress-coat-thing made her look, "She just showed up one day and we haven't been able to get her to leave. At least she does the housework better than the prinnies..."

Suddenly the angel stopped going insane and was off the other girl, whom by the way was traumatized into crying at this point, "Yup! I have a C minus in everything but being a good girl" She was kinda acting like a... Child...? Puppy? Something cute and unnaturally bubbly. As to be expected from an angel of this... mental state.

"I hope she has an A in that?"

She just smiled sweetly again, "Nope, Z!"

"What." Okay, not sure that grade exists, and if it does, how does an ANGEL have it?

'Because she's fucking nuts' said a small, constantly ignored, logical part of my mind.

Meanwhile the previously conservatively dressed Healer, Orleans was rocking back and forth in a corner, naturally in a fetal position, crying about something, but the only words i got between her blubbering were "I'm in despair" and "The fact that I was seen by that man has left me in despair!" Just kinda freaky. Least she's _kinda_ cute.

"She..." Aeryn sighed, shrugging her shoulders in an exaggerated way, "Yeah she's that bad."

"How in Cthulhu's name is she still an angel?" I can't help but to ask incredulously.

Like the nutcase she was she promptly shouted, "Because I'm sooooo~ cute!" What is she? A five year old? You could probably have heard that halfway back to earth. Nay, probably halfway to fucking celestia.

"I have no fucking idea." Aeryn said with a facepalm, "Refuge in Audacity perhaps? I mean she committed genocide when I asked 'what the hell could you possibly do.' I mean one second she's fine and the next she's showing up at my door, covered head to toe with blood, with someone's intestines wrapped around her neck saying, 'Sup! Will you hire me now?'"

Wow... That's fucking brutal. "With something like that, I'm pretty sure she passed audacity at birth."

Looking back at Orleans, still huddled in the corner, Aeryn just sighed and nodded her head. Yukari however just seemed to realize my presence, and began poking me in the side of the head rather annoyingly. "Aeryn-tama, who's the new guy?" Goddamn that cute face she uses is powerful shit.

The little bitch just rolled her eyes, "It's our lord and savior fucking Jesus. Emphasis on the fucking." I could actually SEE the sarcasm dripping from her words, it was this weird orange liquid that burned through the floor. "And just to a word to the wise, don't bend over around him or you might end up having your- nevermind you'd like that wouldn't you."

Yukari merely tilted her head to the side in response. Goddamnit Aeryn, like she'd get that. Meanwhile Orleans was being led out of the room by... is that a fucking pink prinny? The fuck? "Okay one, I may be into crazy chicks, but not THAT crazy." Yukari merely tilts her head again and goes back to picking... something out of her teeth with what looked like a small bone, "And two, what the fuck is with the Pink Prinny?"

Aeryn seemed to ignore me as yukari put me in a bone-crushing hug, "Hi Mr. fucking Jesus, I'm Yukari!"

I chuckled between cracking noises that sounded like... yep, those were my ribs, and as she let me go to breathe, I wheezed a couple times, "Just call me Jesus little one."

Aeryn just laughed at this, the little shit, saying, "I would prefer if you called him 'You fuck' or just 'Fucking' actually. Only call him Jesus if you think he's doing something angelic or someshit. Especially call him jesus if you think he's acting like a total pussy." I soundly flipped her off.

Yukari just looked at me, "So how did you become a Vassal of Aeryn-tama You Fuck?"

I could literally feel the corner of my eye twitching at that, of course she'd be stupid enough to actually listen to her, of fucking course. Regardless, "Well I took one look at Aeryn here and she stole my heart... literally"

Her eyes grew bigger, which is astounding seeing as they were already fuckin' HUGE! then she squeed and started jumping up and down, "AWWWWWW that's so adorable! Omnia vincit amor!" Gratuitous Latin much...? What the fuck did that even mean... Though she said amor... which i think is love... wait Love!?

"Wait, Love? No I mean she LITERALLY fucking stole it! She ripped it out of my chest and ate it!"

At that, the bitch just shrugged and said, "Tasted like murder and rape. Kinda made me gag... But hey, no aftertaste!"

"You son of a bitch. Okay, one, it wasn't rape after the first 5 minutes and two that was the taste of mild genocide, not murder." Yukari was looking at me like she was trying to analyze a bipolar dachshund. And I can understand that.

Aeryn just waved me off, "All tastes the same to me. How are you not a demon yet anyway?"

Now that never crossed my mind before. I had done all this disgusting, crazy shit and yet for some reason I'm still a living breathing human/son of god. Maybe I'm just too fucked up/evil for demons to stomach or something, "Humans are naturally destructive. I just got the more _destructive_ side of human nature."

The twerp just stared at me like I just punted a baby puppy named Tropey, "Some of the things you did were more fucked up than most demons could stomach. I mean that fucking orphanage..."

"Wait, orphanage? Damn... thought those were midgets... though the little one with the pink hair basically asked for it..."

She glared at me. What? Was I actually right about that hell not wanting me thing, "Do remember that I can easily kill you with a mere thought." She rolled her eyes at me. "Anyway, this is your Quarters. Don't rape anyone" She glanced at Yukari at this, fucking hell, "Now if you excuse me I'll be heading to sleep."

"Hmph... You're not gonna stop making rape jokes are you?"

She just gives me a perfectly deadpan look, "Not a goddamn chance." She walked out the door, leaving me with the bloodthirsty toddler of an angel.

"Jesus-tan?" she looked at me with those fucking eyes of hers again, "Why did you kill all those orphans?"

I sweatdropped at this. "Yukari was it? I didn't know they were orphans! I thought they were midgets! Jeez!" She actually looked like she was about to cry cause I was yelling at her. Wow, that actually makes me feel somewhat bad, "So what is there to do around here?"

She put her finger to her chin in somewhat of a thinking pose, "Well, there's the training room, the dragon cages, the blood fountain, and dinner should be in a few minutes i think..."

Well, this sounds interesting, always wanted to headbutt a dragon, and dinner sounds go- Wait... Blood fountain?

"Yup!" Apparently I'd spoken aloud and she'd seen fit to answer me in her usual outrageously loud voice, "It's a fountain that spurts out A+ blood! It's delicious!"

"Really? I'm assuming you swung for that by begging?" Though I wouldn't doubt that it was already blood beforehand.

She had that toddler smile again "Not really, I just begged for a+ blood. It was stupid B- before then." Fucking called it. "Hey, Jesus-tan, what blood type are you?"

"Me? Umm... I'm ABXYZ."

Her eyes grew even wider than last time. "Wait... ABXYZ?"

"Well yeah, it's the rarest kind..." Wait... did I just? Oh shit... "known to man... Aww shit!" I started running towards the door as fast as possible, not wanting my blood drained.

"GIMME GIMME GIMME!" Somehow Yukari pulled a bow and arrow out of her inventory that quickly and began firing arrows with heart-shaped points and what looked like blood dripping from them. The fuck is wrong with this chick! After getting trapped in a corner, she was about to put one between my eyes, she got knocked out by what looked like a freakin trumpet. As she hit the ground however, my savior was revealed as Ellis, with somewhat of a look of satisfaction after knocking the crazy bitch out, though I'm guessing she has to do that a lot since she also seemed slightly annoyed.

"Dinner. Now." I lost control of my emotions for a sec and hugged her, 'accidentally' grabbing a couple handfuls of ass. Not bad, not as squishy as I'd like, but not bad.

"OH THANK GOD!" I let go of her, my booty quotient fulfilled for the day, "I thought I'd be dead for sure."

I had never seen a death glare as horrible and mentally scarring as Ellis'. Just the way she furrowed her eyebrows and narrowed her eyes, combined with a scowl even more evil looking then King Krichevskoy himself, made me wanna shit myself right on the spot. "Do not. Touch me. Like that. Again." I'll admit, I'm scaroused. My fearboner is raging. Or that might be the fact that my blood isn't circulating cause my heart's in an Overlords' stomach. Either or.

Trying to play it off, I rub the back of my head (the top one, perverts), and look at her sheepishly, "Sorry, kind of a reflex." Then I remembered something extremely important that she said as she slugged Yukari's unconscious body onto her shoulder. "Wait, did you say dinner?"

Sighing, apparently even MORE annoyed, she just shook her head at me. "Yes, dinner. But since our regular chef is traumatized," She looked at the now sleeping Yukari, a nose bubble growing and shrinking as she breathed, "...we had to have the prinnies make dinner. Unfortunately Aeryn conveniently forgot to mention your arrival to them so there isn't enough for you as well." Abruptly she about faced, hiding the smirk that had grown upon her face as she had spoken, and grabbed the sleeping Yukari by the foot, "Good Night." And with that she walked out of the door, dragging Yukari with her. I was kinda amused by it until I heard a faint clicking sound and realized she'd locked the door on me.

"ah... eh... eh... OH FUCK ALL Y'ALL!" Now I'm pissed off! This ain't gonna stand, not while I live, breathe, and have orgies!

To add insult to injury, Ellis spoke through the door, "Sorry, you turned me gay." Okay, that was pushin' it too far.

"Bullshit!" Though I apparently fell on deaf ears.

I was about to just kick the damn door in until i remembered what had happened the last time I pissed the half-pint off. Wanting to keep the rest of my organs where they were I decided to stop.

As I sat down on my bed however, i saw a girl with silver hair pop up at the window, "Keep telling yourself that" She slipped through the window and landed on her feet, giving a shot of her tight black panties as her skirt flew up for a second. Nice.

"And who are you may I ask?" I decided to turn up my Swagometer on this one.

"Does it matter?" She sighed as I heard a gurgling noise, which was apparently the combination of both our stomachs. "I even went through the effort of getting a more human body for dinner and they didn't even make enough for their own. What a drag~"

Heh, she sounds like that one guy from the ninja anime I- I mean my little sister used to watch... yeah... my sister... "Well alright Shikamaru. Any chance you know how to pick a lock, 'cause I don't really wanna break down the door of a lady that has my heart in her esophagus."

She just shook her head and chuckled, "Wouldn't matter if I could or not, they seal those with ice magic now after that time Yukari recruited a thief..." The wierdo angel with a blood fetish hired a thief... There is no way that ended well for anyone involved, "And why don't you go through the window anyway? I know this nice restaurant around here, Krichevskoy Fried Dragon. Ever been there?"

Okay, now she was speaking my language, "Yeah I have. Actually went to one with a dragon working there... Real awkward. I'm so in! Though I'm going to ask again, any chance I can get your name dinner savior?"

She chuckled again before nodding, "Sure, it's..." She stopped for a moment, as if she just realized something extremely important. "Wait you're having no problem looking me dead in the eye...?"

What the fuck kinda question is that? But not missing a chance to earn some brownie points, I shrugged, "Should I be? I mean its not hard lookin a pretty girl in the eye."

She chuckled again, with that cute little chuckle she had, "I like you already. Name's Cthulu." She struck some sort of pose, looked like from the first season of a Super Sentai show, Mothman Rider perhaps, and literally roared out, "BITCH!"

Cthulu huh? Neat name, "Yeah, I'm likin' you more and mo-" Hold on a motherfucking cotton raping minute, "Wait, Cthulu? As in Tentacle monster for a face, drive men insane by looking at them Cthulu?"

She just nodded and smirked, "Damn straight. I live in the lake out back, kinda annoying since it always freezes over."

"Wow... I just hit on Cthulu without getting raped by tentacles or destroyed. I'm not sure whether I should be relieved or scared..."

She just chuckled again, "You Just Romanced Cthulhu." She shrugs her shoulders, "Eh, I'm not that bloodthirsty, it's just that everyone that looks me in the eye goes batshit for some reason. Say... How are my tits?" She thrust her large b-cups into my face, so I decided to enjoy the view, "I wanted to get them larger but I couldn't find a suitable virgin sacrifice that also had the hips..."

"Hey, me gusta mucho. The ones with tits bigger than their heads are just nonsensical." I laugh a little, " That or they're try to steal your soul while you're balls deep in them. Damn Succubi."

She just laughed right along, "I KNOW RIGHT?"

I nodded. "Now, if you want really good pussy, you gotta go for the Nekomata. Now that was some fine tail... No pun intended of course." That takes me back... Finding that nest of nekomata in heat... that was a fun couple weeks...

She just shook her head and smiled, "Aww true dat. Now let's go already, I'm starving."

By the time she finished her sentence, I was already perched on the windowsill, "Beat ya there!"

She chuckled again as she jumped clean through the window and a couple feet ahead of me, "Not a chance!" Oh yeah... This is gonna be a fun night...


End file.
